Costa recommends what she calls "first base dates".
When you have a dedicated couple's time together, you take genitals off the table. Or maybe you both have certain parameters like "We can do anything but X-Act". The idea behind this approach is to make intimacy more accessible by removing expectations of a specific set of sexual acts.
“A lot of couples have really huge expectations of sex, and that doesn't make the desire bloom,” explains Costa. "What if we deal with these sex-related routines or these scripts or those particular definitions? It's like having to go from here to here to here." It would be like going to a restaurant and I want me to have to order this because I always order it. Instead of going to the restaurant and going, oh how am I feeling today? Or what is my stomach growling about? Or what does my heart feel nostalgic about? Then I am listening to what I need right now. "
That's the key: listen to what your body wants. When you are not expected to act a certain way or do a certain thing, all of a sudden you are opening your senses to really pay attention to what your body is telling you to feel like doing. This is especially important for people who are not easily or immediately aroused by sexual stimuli.
“The partner with the higher desire is the partner with the higher desire because he has access to switch on. And for the partner with less desire, access is not so easy for them, ”explains Costa. "The partner with the higher desire is going 60 mph, ready to go, and the partner with the lower desire says I cannot find my car keys."
A first base date allows you to spend time in a sensual and intimate space without feeling like there is an agenda or pressure. You don't have to worry about why you're not getting turned on as quickly as your partner is because that's not the point. According to Cost, you may want to indulge in simple touches like hand, foot, or cuddling on the couch. “But active. Not pointless like watching TV, ”she adds. "Let's lie down together and see what happens. I think most people feel good when they start to be touched, when there is really no pressure and when their partner takes care of them."